when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
