Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
