sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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