im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
