Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
only you would photoshop your dick
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize