peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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