apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize