last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
