this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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