the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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