When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
