I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Ketchup is God's man juice
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize