I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
