just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
