i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
