sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
