he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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