oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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