in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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