she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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