wanna go halves on a baby?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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