I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud đł
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing âHappy Birthdayâ to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, âWhy didnât you sing along?!?â I responded, âI donât know him. I donât give a shit if he has a happy birthday.â
Getting a smaller wine glass hasnât changed the amount I drinkâit just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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