When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
