My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
