Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
