so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
