There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
