can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
last night I used snow as a chaser
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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