the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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