the new term for farting is butt boxing.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
