hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
