someone threw a dead crab at me
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
