You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
