I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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