dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
