it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
