If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
