Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
