I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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