she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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