____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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