Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
