I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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