k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
