12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i was born a porn star she said
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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