please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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