Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
