Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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