Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
