I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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