My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
