Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
