Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
