did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
