sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
