I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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