My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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