I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
