Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
