He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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