there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize